Rollover Beethoven

Somebody once threw a cliche at me about how retirement is a lot of work. I wasn't sure what that meant. I figured retirement was like what you see on TV commercials. A grey-haired couple walking on the beach with their dog while wearing brightly-colored sweaters. (I've yet to do that)..I think what they may have meant by "a lot of work" is the administration of getting yourself situated regarding pensions, savings, social security and health insurance. It seems to be that more paperwork is required here than in the pre-retirement phase of life.

I've never had more folders and paperwork on my desk than I do now. It's a big part of Time Killing. One form seems to lead to another. And, GOD, don't forget your damn PIN or PINS. We have a Rolodex with all our PINS. Ten-years ago I should have established ONE damn PIN and used it for everything.. Well, I did try that but as time went on Pin requirements got stricter -- at least 5 letters, 2 numbers and not your birthday or SSN. Speaking of social security numbers --- that damn number is used for everything..I have 5 of the same number in mine. It often gets a comment - "nice poker hand there"..

We recently rolled over my old 401k into an IRA.. How's that for trendy? I've done that before and it was very simple. This time was different. I saw an ad in the Sunday NY Times (full page) promoting how easy it is to do this rollover. (I could have had the Dog Whisperer do this)..There were some complications (not worth mentioning) which led to multiple meetings, conference calls and mailings. Lucky for us we did have a terrific contact who helped with every step. We are getting near the completion of this..After all, it is our life savings we had to put in a safer haven..It's interesting to see how customer focused one can be when dealing with moolah and potential commissions..I wanted to ask our rep. what kind of piece of the cheese she gets.. I'd never do that even though SHE has all our info..

"Was Beauty Who Killed The Beast"

Had a tourist outing with friends this past weekend.. Lots of sightseeing, walking, subwaying and eating. All of it fun and entertaining. Well, almost all of it was fun. When I was a school kid on Long Island we took a few trips into the city to museums and the grand daddy of all attractions - The Empire State Building (ESB)..I can remember shooting up quickly with classmates in a very large elevator to the gift shop on the 86th floor..I can also remember looking over the side and thinking that heights wasn't my thing but it was fun. I bought a ESB thermometer which was on my dresser for years.

So, fast forward to our weekend outing which had the ESB on the agenda. I had my doubts and almost blew it off but I didn't want to be a KillJoy (is that a word?)...What a poorly run side show. There didn't seem to be any restrictions as to how many people they can jam into the endless lobby levels..After the first hour of being in an over-crowded line I thought we were close - wrong..During this time and into the second hour we were victimized by hype meister sales people trying to sell us "express" tickets to go right to the top. Hey, only $47 a piece...These official sales people were at almost every turn. Many desperate types took advantage and seem to go to the next lobby of sardine tourists..

OK, so now it's too late to back out and go against the flow back to the street. And, we paid our $20 a piece and did the Disney World line shuffle for another hour getting us closer to the elevators - or something that looked like elevators giving us hope. Strangely the workers/ushers were all dressed in old-style uniforms including Ralph Kramden caps and brass button maroon blazers. We were looking at anything to amuse ourselves as we followed the velvet ropes to the next abyss. At each turn there was always hope.

At last - elevators. OK, here we go. Pack 'em in. Don't move your arms. Say something funny as your mood is 'elevated'. Watch the digital floor number read out. Hold it - we are getting off at floor 80? What the hell? Yup, get back in line you Lemmings. There is another elevator to take you to 86. That took some time. Back to the mysterious snaking line and velvet ropes. Oh look, some of those express pass people are right with us. There's $47 down the drain. Oh and don't let me forget that they took EVERYONE's picture at one of their choke points. That was soon after going through airport-style, belt removing, x-ray security crap.

Finally, we get to the 86 th floor. There were so many people you couldn't move. I was hoping to see a sign like 'Occupancy by more than 12,938 people is prohibited'.. To add to the fun, one side of the observation deck was closed due to high winds..oh yeah, it was like the top of Everest without the Sherpas. We just spent close to three hours to spend 10 minutes up there. I was relieved it was over. It was the Time Killer of all Time Killers. I could have watched Avatar and had a leisurely meal in that time.

If you want to have a good ESB experience - do the King Kong/Faye Wray thing and climb up the side. So you swat a few planes and risk your life. You can look in all the windows and decide where to enter...Better than an express pass.

Extra Innings?

Need to get away from recent animal-related time killing experiences...Had a new non-animal event to report. We signed up with a large brokerage firm to handle our nest egg (my favorite term) for our retirement. We had a long meeting the other day and reviewed everything you can think of. The financial planner/adviser created a plan for us and sent it today - as planned - as a PDF via the internet. It was a large file..

It was early afternoon and I had the baseball playoff games on as I started my download. It was the first inning of game one (an important benchmark). I went to the link in the email which had all my "stuff".. the full recommendation of what to do with our nest egg. I used our login and PIN info and was asked for my SSN which it rejected (there are many theories why but I can't bear to repeat them)...I had NO access to the file since now I was Locked OUT for making too many mistakes.. I hate that. I'm usually good with this kind of computer crap..This company, like others, have way too many layers of security..

I gave up trying to login and called their tech support line. I got a youngish go-getter type so I felt a sense of relief. Well, short-term relief. I had experience with his type from my former job. He was talking PC-talk and I am a Mac user (shouldn't everyone be?)..I was used to this as I was in the vast minority of Mac users at my old job (maybe 25 Mac users and 20,000 PC users). Young Brad tried all sorts of crap and I was suggesting alternatives. He put me on hold..Here comes the Muzak..

This was the longest on-hold experience I ever had.. I was sure he forgot me OR (could it be?) he was in India, a la Outsourced. I was humming along to the Muzak hoping this recorded call would bring me fame. Lots of Mozart strings stuff. I was making up lyrics to the classical stuff. I was amused and sure I'd never get my info until a bonafide IT propeller-head got on the line. Remember the game? OK, now it's the 5th inning!!! If I had known this was going to take this long I would have peed. If I leave the phone I may miss the tech support. Bladder pain!!

Finally, I got a direct line into tech support super central who did what they always do. Logged me off and created a whole new profile, new PIN, new password, new fingerprints and DNA and walked me through it . Finally success.. Great, it's been over an hour, the game - Tampa/Texas - is in the 6th inning and I have decided to pee sitting down and read my 29-page retirement report.. ahhhhhhhhhh...

A tail of two critters

TAIL is not a typo. It's yet another Time Killer animal blog entry. Just when I felt Larry the boxer had quieted down and the deer have started to get ready for winter, another animal appears on the radar screen.

I was on my way out today when I eye-balled the back yard and saw this hyena-like creature sunning itself on the ramp going into our shed. The shed is a hang out for multiple critters - ground hog & skunk live underneath and there is always a family of mice living in my leaf blower.. I always check before starting up as one year I made a rodent salsa out of a mousekafamily. And, let's not forget the squirrel who entered our INSIDE through the fireplace.

Back to the latest ... My first impression was that this new creature was a fox but it didn't meet all those criteria (as IF I'd know)..The face was pointy but the tail was bare-ish, like a rat. That bothered me. A fox tail would have been nicer. It also didn't have a red hue. I think that perhaps this was a coyote. It got up and walked across the yard and it had a bounce in its step as if to say "screw you, bub...this is MY yard." I then went into the yard - with baseball bat in hand - just in case it attacked.. I saw no evidence of him but I did hear some rustling in the woods.

I was unable to get a picture so I went to the trusty internet (YOU TUBE) and saw some pictures that led me to believe this was a coyote. I've seen them on the news many times since being home. Town officials seem to always be killing them (that ain't good) so I didn't feel too bad holding a baseball bat. I doubt I'd engage in battle.

Meanwhile as the coyote/fox hybrid entered the woods I see my new-found friend in the yard next door - LARRY the Boxer. Old Larry was poised still like a hunting dog (mmmmm, fox?)..I could tell he sensed something but couldn't chase because his owner put up an invisible fence .. These are very popular and stop dogs from straying off the property (I guess it's electrical or audio). The culprit never appeared again but I think Larry saw it. I guess the fence that keeps Larry in place may keep Wil E Coyote off their property as well..

In the clearing stands a Boxer

One of the things I like about living where I do is the peace and quiet. You can go hours without hearing a sound. I swear as part of my Time Killing duties I've seen less than five cars go down our street in a day. When we talk about relocating (which we do) I hate to think about giving up this solitude. I fear things are changing..

I had heard through the grapevine that our elderly neighbor - who hasn't made a peep in 20 years - has taken in her daughter and her 2 children. I heard some evidence of this and wasn't too worried. There's a fair amount of space between our properties. I had met the daughter while checking my mailbox - a highlight in my daily routine. She was very friendly and pre-apologizing for any new noises. I said I hadn't heard anything (yet). Today that changed.

I had to hang around the house because I have the oil burner tech coming to do a pre-winter cleaning. Normally, I'd be out by 11 am doing something but today I am here with the windows open on a very nice day. And so the fun began at 9 am or so. How long can a dog bark before shredding its throat muscles? So far it's been 2.5 hours - NON STOP. The oil burner guy is actually quieter. The dog, a Boxer, is named Larry. Odd name for a dog I think. Then again our family dog was named Charlotte. This dog looks like a show dog....but he does have a head shape like a Pit Bull.. He did trot over to me the other day and I held my ground so I didn't seem like a pansy..(remember the deer story from last week?)..He stopped before he got to me and returned to his owner next door. I was relieved but thought "uh oh, is this going to be the new regime - avoiding Larry?"...So far he's still barking.

The oil burner guy finished and I walked out to his truck to sign stuff. He gave my boiler an A+ as we chatted in the driveway. He then asked "what's with all the barking?"...

Hello Deer

Not too many new time-killing activities to report. I am very used to being around the house more than ever so nothing is surprising or interesting. Today was a little different. I was out for a couple of hours and when I returned and pulled in the driveway I saw a number of deer in our back yard. This is nothing knew. It can be like Wild Kingdom around here at times. Unlike our first house on Long Island, there are critters aplenty around here. Long Island had squirrels and birds. If there ever was a deer we would have called 911.

So, as I got out of the car I walked into the yard. There were 5 of these creatures. It looked like a mother and 4 babies or fawns or whatever the hell they're called. The fawns have spots like in a Disney cartoon or in the movie "The Yearling. Those 4 fled as I entered the yard. I had no intent but they were eating my shrubs. The mother deer, however, held her ground. You know, like a deer stuck in the headlights. This had to be the biggest deer I've seen in the yard. It looked like one of those hunters' decoys. All it needed was a target on its side.

I figured the mother was protecting her clan (is that what you call a pack of deer?)..I walked toward the big mother and she never flinched OR showed a sign of moving. Now I am thinking I have no seniority here. This could be a crazed animal with distemper and I will be filmed being attacked and go viral on You Tube (I had my phone/camera at the ready).. I never got this close before and I am wondering what gives? I kept getting closer and I was getting creeped out. The baby deer were frolicking in the woods. I made a few sudden spastic gestures and this animal still didn't budge. I was about 12 feet away and gave up. As I turned away to go back to the driveway I wondered if I will be blind sided. I made it back OK....The damn deer was still holding its ground. She showed me I guess.

When I got into the house I turned on the TV and it was wall-to-wall coverage of Hurricane Earl. I was flipping channels and one of the more obscure reports was saying that your pets or animals may behave oddly when a storm like this approaches.. Mmmmmmmmm, does that include those white-tailed demons??

Write what you know

I haven't been blogging much as there have been some distractions. I guess I had nothing pressing to report. The main issue was that I finished my screen play. I wrote 140 pages of a comedy/drama loosely based on my real life experiences. It took six months. I worked best in two to three-hour spurts. I never showed a word of this to anyone until this week. I worried that I had created a ball of shit. After all, I am a rookie and never wrote much more than a blog entry or a newspaper feature story. This was new for me but I DID enjoy it. Sure beats mowing the lawn or taking the train to the city.

I was relieved to get some positive feedback on this first draft from a very reliable, talented writer friend. There are some changes. I had trouble with the ending and it took me a few weeks to get it down "on paper"...Here's the wacky part - I dreamed the ending. In that dream was my late father who was very supportive and he actually said (gulp), go with your dream. I had no choice. I followed his advice.

In this screen play, the main character writes a blog. It's titled (brace yourself) Time Killer. Hey, I was in Marketing for 30 years. It's all about cross promotion. Why do you think they ask for your zip code at Radio Shack? It was very easy to come up with Time Killer samples - I have about 130 entries - some good, some not so good. My main character, anonymous, became very successful with his blog. He got a book deal. I have some background in publishing so I had enough BS to get through that scenario. It was some of the other stuff I had trouble with. I would just wing it or rip off the many movies I've watched.. God, I had to write a sex scene. I went very PG-13.. I toyed with going R but wimped out...

So I was comfortable writing "what I know"... working, commuting, being a husband and father, socializing, finances and general time killing. I hope something comes out of this. So far, besides some nice early reviews, I can only say that now after 140 pages, I have to wear reading glasses. Maybe I should write what I can SEE...