"Was Beauty Who Killed The Beast"

Had a tourist outing with friends this past weekend.. Lots of sightseeing, walking, subwaying and eating. All of it fun and entertaining. Well, almost all of it was fun. When I was a school kid on Long Island we took a few trips into the city to museums and the grand daddy of all attractions - The Empire State Building (ESB)..I can remember shooting up quickly with classmates in a very large elevator to the gift shop on the 86th floor..I can also remember looking over the side and thinking that heights wasn't my thing but it was fun. I bought a ESB thermometer which was on my dresser for years.

So, fast forward to our weekend outing which had the ESB on the agenda. I had my doubts and almost blew it off but I didn't want to be a KillJoy (is that a word?)...What a poorly run side show. There didn't seem to be any restrictions as to how many people they can jam into the endless lobby levels..After the first hour of being in an over-crowded line I thought we were close - wrong..During this time and into the second hour we were victimized by hype meister sales people trying to sell us "express" tickets to go right to the top. Hey, only $47 a piece...These official sales people were at almost every turn. Many desperate types took advantage and seem to go to the next lobby of sardine tourists..

OK, so now it's too late to back out and go against the flow back to the street. And, we paid our $20 a piece and did the Disney World line shuffle for another hour getting us closer to the elevators - or something that looked like elevators giving us hope. Strangely the workers/ushers were all dressed in old-style uniforms including Ralph Kramden caps and brass button maroon blazers. We were looking at anything to amuse ourselves as we followed the velvet ropes to the next abyss. At each turn there was always hope.

At last - elevators. OK, here we go. Pack 'em in. Don't move your arms. Say something funny as your mood is 'elevated'. Watch the digital floor number read out. Hold it - we are getting off at floor 80? What the hell? Yup, get back in line you Lemmings. There is another elevator to take you to 86. That took some time. Back to the mysterious snaking line and velvet ropes. Oh look, some of those express pass people are right with us. There's $47 down the drain. Oh and don't let me forget that they took EVERYONE's picture at one of their choke points. That was soon after going through airport-style, belt removing, x-ray security crap.

Finally, we get to the 86 th floor. There were so many people you couldn't move. I was hoping to see a sign like 'Occupancy by more than 12,938 people is prohibited'.. To add to the fun, one side of the observation deck was closed due to high winds..oh yeah, it was like the top of Everest without the Sherpas. We just spent close to three hours to spend 10 minutes up there. I was relieved it was over. It was the Time Killer of all Time Killers. I could have watched Avatar and had a leisurely meal in that time.

If you want to have a good ESB experience - do the King Kong/Faye Wray thing and climb up the side. So you swat a few planes and risk your life. You can look in all the windows and decide where to enter...Better than an express pass.