Dog days, CAT Scans

It's been a toasty April with multiple 90-degree days.. I hadn't even tested my house's AC system but it did work..It has put an interesting angle on time killing. It is soothing in a way and I know some people who prefer the dog-day feeling but now we are prepared for a 40-degree drop any time now. Afterall it has been like a faux summer.

On this hottest April day I had yet another medical test (tis the season)..This one wasn't as harrowing as the dreaded stress test. The CAT scan isn't all that bad - much better than an MRI - but there are a few highlights. After asking you 12 times if you're allergic to anything (I have no idea except for garlic), they set you up with an IV line and get you prepared for a contrast substance injection. I've had that before and wasn't concerned except this time I had a fair warning about feeling a warm sensation in my throat, chest and (gulp) groin. More specifically the tech/nurse said it may feel like you are urinating..(Oyyyyyy)..Well, I'm glad I got that warning because that is exactly what it felt like.. I hope she lends that warning to all her patients or they would be trying to extract themselves from the mammoth machine (I barely fit - lengthwise)..

Have no results at this point but whatever they are it can't be as bad as peeing your pants!!

The Season Begins

I've made reference to playing softball - traditionally a very nice way to kill time. Without a job in the way, it's very easy to make the games and not have to worry about staying out too late. Last night was our season's opener. I guess I've been playing almost 20 years in this league and before that other leagues including little league, etc..

I was never great but good enough to be in the game and not embarrass myself. I always enjoyed the game but as time marches on I am beginning to have doubts..I am usually the oldest or one of the oldest guys on the field. I think the first time I thought of retiring was when I got thrown out after hitting to the right fielder.. I am having trouble running bases..I keep hinting that I may be done playing but it doesn't sink in with anyone..Last night I didn't wear spikes which I figured was a sign that I'd coach or cheerlead.. No such luck, we were short-handed and I played my usual position - 1st base..I usually do OK there. This time I was shakey.. made a few plays and botched a few including an easy pop up. Maybe it was first-game-itis? Not wearing spikes didn't help by the way - I had a hit to left field and fell flat on my face running to first...A hush fell over the crowd.. I think I heard someone murmur "he needs to take golf lessons"...

Bridge Bats

So that earlier reference to Bats needed an explanation. This was a very unique way to kill some time while in Austin, TX. To clarify, we watched nearly one million bats swarm from underneath a local bridge at dusk. They found this under-bridge's perfect crevices the ideal nesting place during the daylight hours. So at around dusk these wacky flying mammals start leaving their nests to start their evening's festivities - whatever the hell that is..

There were a number of boats cruising around this bridge - party boats and private boats. Additionally, there were quite a few people hanging over the bridge. We were in a boat with about 25 people and after the majority of bats were airborne you could smell their waste matter (guava?) and you had to be careful not to be a target.. some of us got hit. It wasn't exactly seagull quality so it was tolerable. Overall it was eerie watching the swarms haul ass down the river and have strange flocking shapes. It looked like brown sprinkles on a blue ice cream cone in a psychotic design.

Overall it was a very unique experience.. very National Geographic..After the thrill wore off I focused on the two drunk guys in a kayak who intentionally smashed into two other guys in a bass boat...It was a side show that never fully developed..I went back to smelling bat shit..

Jet Blue - the RIDE

Here is a follow up to "Let's Travel"... so after the successful 3 days which included great food, great friends, great margaritas and about 1.2 million bats, we returned home. Again, the weather played a big role. Our noon flight was delayed leaving an hour (not bad considering) however we were warned we could be delayed getting into NY by up to 4 hours..Ahhhhhh, a real soothing feeling as the gate waiting area was standing room only. The tension was evident. I was in my best zen airport mood aided by crossword puzzles and mentos.

On Friday we were very lucky to get into our destination (Austin, TX) since there were major storms and this night (Monday) it was similar. As we got closer to the Northeast you could feel the benign bumping - not that noticeable but you just knew it was going to increase (play the Jaws theme).."we need a bigger plane, right?".. Our approach into JFK was about 30 minutes and the last 15 minutes was like some psychotic ride at Six Flags Over Transylvania (bat reference to be discussed in the near future)..Talk about tension - I swear I smelled vomit which added to my growing nausea. We lived and enjoyed listening to the cell phone calls as we taxied to the gate .. all complaints.. everyone, however, said a nice friendly farewell the the pilot who stood at the cockpit door saying his goodbyes..All I could think was -- god, you gotta do this crap every day??

Let's travel!!!

Another popular Time Killer is travel.. No work to worry about - come and go as you please. Nice and relaxed, stay a hotels, see friends and live from one meal to the next. All dietary restraint is out the window. Oh, one thing to consider is weather.

At this writing, I am in Austin, Texas. It's a zippy, hip college town with lots of character and things to do. I'd say the median age here is about 22. Lots of great restaurants and funky stores (many tattoo parlors). But back to the weather..

We managed to plan this trip around some really nasty springtime storms (who knew?).. Our flight was barely late but we did have to circumnavigate around some massive line of Texas thunderstorms and our pilot bravely landed us in what had to be maybe the only 20 minute window in a 2-day period. We did have to circle a bit because of a Micro BURST (I think you can get those now at Dairy Freeze). There was some serious turbulence but I always think back to those documentaries about hurricane hunter planes which never get knocked out of the air. Also, having taken military flights is a good experience (they never care about smooth air, so bouncing is standard)..

We re-enter the travel zone tomorrow as we return home and the weather in Texas looks OK. The weather back home could be iffy so I'll start practicing being a relaxed, cool customer now. That relaxed attitude always leaves me once I have to take off my shoes and belt at the airport security check. It is beyond idiotic...See you back on the home front..

Testing, testing

I knew I was going to use some of this extra time to get some neglected health issues dealt with. The good part is I don't have to worry about taking personal, sick or vacation days. The bad part is waiting for results. Although most of the results turn out to be OK, there are always a few things that need attention and you have to wait since one test seems to spawn more tests. For instance, I had a stress test which I passed and was pleased. I don't think I could ever get my pulse that high unless I sky dived over the Grand Canyon. I had some other tests which were OK but required more so I will schedule these and wait for more results.

I made the mistake of thinking the stress test tech was the Doctor (cardiologist I had not met), so I was giving him lots of info while he was setting me up with diodes and wires. He was looking at my chart and asking many questions so I figured I was going to get some real good attention and advice. I knew the cardiologist had to be present while I was being tested in case my head exploded, however, he didn't enter until the last minute. He DID ask me some questions but was doing so while I was trying desperately trying to keep up with the damn treadmill. I was a tad distracted to say the least but wanted to act cool. I was thinking I wasted all my nicely crafted answers for the damn technician and all my breathless answers sounded idiotic. I felt like George Jetson "Jane, stop this crazy thing!!"

Where's Tiger?

OK, this is a new dimension in time killing - watching early rounds of the Masters Golf.. GOLF?? I didn't realize I had the golf channel until this week. Honestly, if there was some good baseball on that would have gotten my attention. Also, I'm a fair-weather golf fan. I want to see Tiger and Phil duke it out on Sunday afternoon so this viewing experience is new for me.

The announcers seem to have either an Ausie or New Zealand accent. I say New Zealand because they sound much like those guys on HBO's Flight of the Concords which has nothing to do with this post or golf. The names of these top 7 or 9 contenders are not familiar to me .. ... Shingo Katiyama, Angel Cabrera (doesn't he play baseball?), Chad Campbell or Kenny Perry? What ever happened to Davis Love III? He grew up with that name??

Golf is OK.. I wish I could play better or at all.. I always remember a bit Robert Klein did mimicking one of those whispering announcer types -- "That took COURAGE on the 14th hole, Byron. You don't see that everyday!"

I think it takes Courage to wear that hideous green jacket..

Let's build something together

I guess the ultimate Time Killer these days would be shopping - not grocery shopping, real consuming. As you recall I did go to a mall last month and bought some sneakers. That took a total of about 20 minutes so I need to work on spending time on that.

I realized I will need some materials from the home supply store. Even though I have a lawn service now there are some outdoor chores I almost enjoy - plus it's a good workout (ha)..So instead of getting in the car and going to Lowes or Home Depot, I've attacked the project like all other shopping - on line. I found everything I needed. Retail web sites are really shophisticated (new word). You can get a good amount of info by reading the links and you can make your decision without being IN the store dodging the displays OR having to climb one of the many scaffoldings clogging up most aisles.. I put everything in my electronic shopping cart but didn't pull the trigger on the sale.. Looks like an outing is in the near future..I will be going to the local home center (not sure which one) but I've calculated minimal crowd time, best pricing, easiest access and of course which store has the best "forklift in reverse" warning sounds beeeeeeep, beeeeeeeep, beeeeeeeep...

You want gravy on that shoe?

Took another trip back to the big city today..Killed a good amount of the day and had a nice lunch with friends and saw my trusty hair cutter. Not sure if he knows I'm unemployed because I keep showing up and I never made an announcement. The Russian manicurist there always jokes with me asking when I'm ready for a pedicure. I'm used to being ready for that exchange - I always have some good foot humor ready. My feet are a whole other story which will be dealt with in the future..

So as the foot exchange started up, the manicurist pointed to my feet and handed me a paper towel (as I was getting my hair cut) and asked this "what is that on your shoe?"...I looked down and realized that part of my lunch found its way to my shoe tip. Yes, I had a glob of mashed potato on my foot/shoe. A tribute to my eating skills (hold the applause). I realized right away what it was and told her I was doing my favorite dance before I got there.. OK, I don't think the mashed potato DANCE joke was as obvious as I thought it might be.. I did get a polite laugh.. I guess I better schedule that pedicure for the next trip...will give me time to explain..

Smoking or non

I have mentioned many times the amount of "warning" TV (and print) ads there are. There are so many diseases you almost wonder how one avoids getting at least something. The non-smoking campaigns are really ramping up. Last year we had the guy with the hole in his throat who can NEVER swim..We also had the doc saying you could HEAR lung cancer before seeing it. They had some poor victim laying down with a massive tube arrangement down her throat. Another horrible image was a clogged artery which resembled a side dish shown on the travel channel's bizarre food show with Andrew Zimmern.. (he eats bugs and animal testicles)

The most recent notable anti-smoking ad is this four-year-old kid left alone in the airport when his mother goes away. The camera stays on him and in about 15 second he's panicky and crying.. It IS very disturbing and the point is to see how he reacts if he loses his mother for 30 seconds.. Suppose she died from smoking and was gone forever..well, I guess this kid would really have a cow but hopefully not in an airport. There was a lot of controversy about this particular ad this week. I had the time to monitor this. Mr overkill - Matt Lauer - interviewed the head of the ad agency from Australia. The agency claimed the kid was an actor..Skeptical Matt didn't believe her and belabored the point..

They are saying these ads are very effective. When I smoked - 30 years ago - there was just those little warnings on the side of the pack which did nothing. I guess people are taking the latest warnings more seriously.. The only people I see smoking are clustered outside of office buildings' doorways in any kind of weather...Maybe they don't have TV sets??

Spam a lot

I guess it has been at least 15 years of regularly using e mail and it's hard to remember what it was like before this capability. So noodling around one of my (aol) email accounts I see that I have a spam folder.. Well, I knew it was there but I never was alerted to mail being in there so for the hell of it I checked..Yup, it was loaded with messages. I guess some magic formula lets aol categorize mail as spam. I wonder what their criteria is?

There were a number of non-spam emails in there. This could solve the mystery of unreceived e mails.. "hey, didn't you get my e-mail?" <---- ever heard this? I guess it may be based on the subject line and many of them are clearly spamish..Mexican pharmacy, lower loan rates, Viagra for $1 each, Nigerian financial scams and so on. I wonder if any of my outgoing mails wound up in spam folders.. Maybe I will experiment (I have the time) and wind up on Oprah's special e mail show....ahhhh, what a dream. I guess I should have taken my technical advisor's (son) advice and use my G-mail address. Maybe I will write him (if he's not reading this) ..

What's News??

With this extra time it's hard to avoid the influx of news - or pseudo news. I kept saying I was avoiding the TV news but I did find myself eavesdropping on the Today Show and I almost never enjoyed it for various reasons..I think it came to a head when Matt Lauer (pre deer accident) was interviewing Michael Phelps (the big deal swimmer who made post-Olympic news by being photographed smoking some kind of illegal stuff). I knew the question was going to be asked but the interviewer persisted like he was in the gestapo as IF this mattered in the course of life's events. I think they just went on to one of their other stories which usually consists of the following elements: A mobile home park in rural America or anywhere in Florida, a missing kid (usually a girl), a babysitter who once dated the father, a mother whose reactions are questioned, a grandma wearing an oversized sweatshirt, a toothless uncle or aunt and a local policeman who is always asked this question by the Today show --- " Is it unusual for that five-mile area to have 46 registered sex offenders??" The answer never matters..

So I may have to be more vigilant about my news boycott. Besides the financial status pessimism the other stories consist of medical doom and gloom. Is it even possible NOT to have one of these ailments or think you do? (I know it's my tendancy).. so, again, to continue the boycott IF I DO watch some TV I am going right to the Hogan's Heros marathon. It's a nice safe, warm feeling those fun-filled Nazi prison camps.. And, boy that Col. Klink was so realistic!! (HE could have been kinder to Michael Phelps)..