Time Killer Redux

So I was going to start up again.. here goes..

We left the Northeast right after hurricane Irene..and since then there's been some other storms and a monumental hurricane and now an insane mass killing of little kids..I've seen and read a lot of opinions. As a matter of fact, I've seen too much. It's hard to avoid.. I knew this was super serious when the Today Show had their regular weekday reporters on duty on Saturday. I guess Matt Lauer got time and a half. CNN was running constant reports..It was the Wolf Blitzer show or as Jimmy Fallon once nicknamed him " Howitzer Blow-up Guy"..

I have rewritten part of my screen play. I learned a lot about this process. I wasn't ready for how tricky it is to sell these things.. The writing was easy compared to the process of getting the right person to read it.. I do have a decent agency helping me..They recommended all their clients attend a pitch meeting in Beverly Hills.. I was skeptical as the fee was steep and IF I went I wasn't sure I had the sales skills..I felt very much like George Costanza pitching a story about nothing, however, this WAS about something but I needed to make it timeless..

I'm a big movie fan and go at least once a week (including rentals). I have found that I pay close attention to the credits. Amazing (I hate that word) how many people it takes to get a film off the ground.. Awesome (hate that word too)...

Heading off to Florida this week..Sunscreen for the holidays....

Where am I??

Whoa, it's been about 18 months since I last made an entry.. I re-read most of them today.. I have to say I found them entertaining but that's just me..I will considering starting up again.. I need to get going on a new screen play.. My "Time Killer" script has had some bites but nothing solid.. I learned how hard it is to sell something like this.. Much easier writing than selling...back soon, maybe..

Has it been a year???

Yes, last Time Killer entry was March, 2011...That's 13 months so I guess it's time to continue...Stay tuned...

Bird Brain

It has been a while since I commented here.. I am still Killing Time in the most entertaining and productive ways. My screenplay has been complete and out in the market place for about 4 months. Writing was more familiar to me than selling. It's all new to me and I am tracking the screenwriting contests I've entered and the industry magazines and newsletters which promote the product. I guess the trick is getting somebody to read it and love it - how could they not?

I am now working on a second project. It's another screenplay and I figured I better keep busy before I forget how to use my screenwriting software. The outline is almost done. It's another dramedy. I like that term.. I had dedicated today to really get a good head start on this. It's almost April. It's still winterish. The snow has melted and I'm almost 60. And, I am distracted!!!

For the past few years in the spring we have had an idiotic robin flying into our kitchen window over and over and over and over and over. The dumb ass thinks its reflection is another robin and it is either attacking OR trying to mate. There are many explanations on the internet. Internet has everything doesn't it? I've got a fake owl out there which I thought would work with its scary spinning head. I guess not. I've tried a number of cures and I thought about buying a BB gun. (talk about a mid-life crisis).. I doubt I could do that. My vision blows and I probably would crack our window after missing the bird. Years ago my 85 year old neighbor shot a raccoon who was molesting his garbage cans. I was very impressed and there have been no raccoons in this neighborhood for years. Could I follow in his footsteps?

The internet provided a less violent solution which seems to work (so far)...I smeared the target window with ammonia...Smelly, icky ammonia is on the window which apparently repels the villain.. So I have a messy window but no bird crashing and bird shit to deal with. I'm happy with that solution. Speaking of solutions like raccoon murder, fake owls, etc., I remember my dad had a bird problem in our family home on Long Island. They were nesting in the gutters and as is family tradition we hate getting on ladders. I was elected to get on the roof and apply my dad's anti-bird solution. It was a product called "Bird Tanglefoot"... It was a gooey substance which goofed up the birds' wings and feet after they were exposed. When I was directed to check the area a week later I found no birds (no dead birds) so perhaps they got the message..

So now I can continue with that new screenplay - "The Nest Egg"...

Winter 2011

It's been a few months since I last had an entry.. I think it was because there is nothing new in the world of Time Killing..This winter has just sucked. Winters seem to suck more as you get older. When it snowed years ago it was a bizarre highlight as schools closed and the world was your playground. The challenge now is to get to the end of the driveway without breaking your elbow..I found myself walking like Arte Johnson's old man character on TV's Laugh In (there's an obscure reference)..

I justify staying home now because gas is heading for $5/gallon. Got a home heating oil delivery today...That is close to $4/gallon. I guess the instability in the Middle East is a major factor. I can remember while stationed in that part of the world I could fill up the gas tank in my Datsun rental car for under $2 - for the WHOLE tank.. I'm pretty sure that's accurate..Memories of those times in Bahrain have come to the forefront. Last year my wife and mother in law took a trip back there and had a great time..It always seemed to me like a peaceful, serene culture so this year's headlines were surprising (to me) but I guess these were underlying issues that had to surface..

Trying to get a new screen play started as my current script is getting some attention but I am learning this is a sluggish process. And we are close to putting our house up for sale and ready to head south...That should eat up some time! Change is good as somebody in this family has stated.. I agree but lifting furniture blows...

TV or not TV

The winter is here and the chance for cabin fever grows for most.. Well, not so much for me as I hope to have enough writing projects to kill time productively. So far it's slow and the artificial holiday happiness is upon us. The lady who sold me stamps this morning treated me like I was her long-lost son. It just felt fake..It evened out as I went to the local A&P and the cashier was harsh and grumpy. At least it was honest but I think I felt better buying from the stamp lady.

So what I've tried to do is avoid the TV during these idle times. I don't watch TV news for many reasons I've already mentioned in prior posts - it's mainly the fake laughter usually betwixt the weather man/woman and sportscasters..Just watch any part of the Today show when they're out on the Plaza. The semi-newsy shows - talk shows - like the View are very difficult because they all talk at the same time UNLESS Baba Wawa is on the panel. She's like the principal monitoring the teacher. She has a lot of pull as she's been doing this since the invention of broadcasting and the others fear her. I think they'd even admit that..

There are lots of other talk shows, food shows, reality shows & re-runs.. I have to admit I like some of the old sitcoms - MASH, All in the Family, Raymond, Seinfeld. There are some new shows I like (not many).. I think the Office is great and makes me think of my 30 years in that wacky environment. Modern Family is pretty damn good too. I've been watching some old movies and remembering my parent's comments about those 40s era Busbey Berkely flicks..

There is one mystery show for me. 30 Rock is very popular and I must be one of the few people who don't like it.. There are many reasons but I am always surprised as I do try and watch it now and then. I think I am fairly hip (maybe NOT), but I just don't get that damn show.. Tracey Morgan is funny??? Tina Fey is funny?? Maybe she was funny on SNL. I like Alec Baldwin. His father was my 10th grade history teacher and at that time he (Mr Baldwin) looked a lot like Alec does now. Most people I know like this show so perhaps it IS me. I find the show is like an inside joke that I don't get. I don't like that feeling. Oh wait --- Operation Petticoat is on Turner Classic Movies. Gotta go..

Go Chiefs?

In the spirit of time killing, I have to disclose my options for today. I had some writing to do. I have the Beatles re-mastered complete box set (on loan) to listen to OR copy onto my HD. I can go to the gym and work off the 43 cookies I've eaten the last 3 days. I can do a couple of loads of laundry which requires almost no energy. Wait, the TV is on but as usual there's nothing watchable or interesting so I flip around. Cable now has everything including local sports channels. I've watched our local high school's football games which wasn't too bad.

I stopped on this local channel today to find MY high school alma mater - Massapequa - in a girl's volleyball contest with arch-rival (their words, not mine) Lindenhurst. I figured I'd watch for 3 minutes and turn off the TV and head for something more entertaining...Well, I stayed with it watching these kids diving and smashing all over the place. I can barely remember ever playing this sport but I do know I screwed up a finger playing which put a crimp in my guitar playing for months.

The venue was CW Post college and there was a substantial crowd watching. Forty years ago I attended a bunch of our football games which had a large crowd. I had a friend who played on the team and also had another friend who was in the band - we rooted for both - especially the band when they spelled out tributes. There wasn't enough members so they usually just spelled out initials...Yeah, Yeah - RJL Raymond J Lockhart!

This volleyball crowd was intense, loud and large. Lots of Indian headdresses and war painted teen-age boys..Did I mention they were the chiefs? I guess there's been no protests. It's not like they were doing the Atlanta Braves' Tomahawk chop. But wait, they do seem to be doing war chants as Massapequa tied the 2nd game...Oy, they lost..

Time to go to the gym ... I need to get back by 2 pm as I see there's a field hockey playoff versus the Carl Place Frogs!!! (Frogs?? I gotta see that sticky-tongue crowd)

Rollover Beethoven

Somebody once threw a cliche at me about how retirement is a lot of work. I wasn't sure what that meant. I figured retirement was like what you see on TV commercials. A grey-haired couple walking on the beach with their dog while wearing brightly-colored sweaters. (I've yet to do that)..I think what they may have meant by "a lot of work" is the administration of getting yourself situated regarding pensions, savings, social security and health insurance. It seems to be that more paperwork is required here than in the pre-retirement phase of life.

I've never had more folders and paperwork on my desk than I do now. It's a big part of Time Killing. One form seems to lead to another. And, GOD, don't forget your damn PIN or PINS. We have a Rolodex with all our PINS. Ten-years ago I should have established ONE damn PIN and used it for everything.. Well, I did try that but as time went on Pin requirements got stricter -- at least 5 letters, 2 numbers and not your birthday or SSN. Speaking of social security numbers --- that damn number is used for everything..I have 5 of the same number in mine. It often gets a comment - "nice poker hand there"..

We recently rolled over my old 401k into an IRA.. How's that for trendy? I've done that before and it was very simple. This time was different. I saw an ad in the Sunday NY Times (full page) promoting how easy it is to do this rollover. (I could have had the Dog Whisperer do this)..There were some complications (not worth mentioning) which led to multiple meetings, conference calls and mailings. Lucky for us we did have a terrific contact who helped with every step. We are getting near the completion of this..After all, it is our life savings we had to put in a safer haven..It's interesting to see how customer focused one can be when dealing with moolah and potential commissions..I wanted to ask our rep. what kind of piece of the cheese she gets.. I'd never do that even though SHE has all our info..

"Was Beauty Who Killed The Beast"

Had a tourist outing with friends this past weekend.. Lots of sightseeing, walking, subwaying and eating. All of it fun and entertaining. Well, almost all of it was fun. When I was a school kid on Long Island we took a few trips into the city to museums and the grand daddy of all attractions - The Empire State Building (ESB)..I can remember shooting up quickly with classmates in a very large elevator to the gift shop on the 86th floor..I can also remember looking over the side and thinking that heights wasn't my thing but it was fun. I bought a ESB thermometer which was on my dresser for years.

So, fast forward to our weekend outing which had the ESB on the agenda. I had my doubts and almost blew it off but I didn't want to be a KillJoy (is that a word?)...What a poorly run side show. There didn't seem to be any restrictions as to how many people they can jam into the endless lobby levels..After the first hour of being in an over-crowded line I thought we were close - wrong..During this time and into the second hour we were victimized by hype meister sales people trying to sell us "express" tickets to go right to the top. Hey, only $47 a piece...These official sales people were at almost every turn. Many desperate types took advantage and seem to go to the next lobby of sardine tourists..

OK, so now it's too late to back out and go against the flow back to the street. And, we paid our $20 a piece and did the Disney World line shuffle for another hour getting us closer to the elevators - or something that looked like elevators giving us hope. Strangely the workers/ushers were all dressed in old-style uniforms including Ralph Kramden caps and brass button maroon blazers. We were looking at anything to amuse ourselves as we followed the velvet ropes to the next abyss. At each turn there was always hope.

At last - elevators. OK, here we go. Pack 'em in. Don't move your arms. Say something funny as your mood is 'elevated'. Watch the digital floor number read out. Hold it - we are getting off at floor 80? What the hell? Yup, get back in line you Lemmings. There is another elevator to take you to 86. That took some time. Back to the mysterious snaking line and velvet ropes. Oh look, some of those express pass people are right with us. There's $47 down the drain. Oh and don't let me forget that they took EVERYONE's picture at one of their choke points. That was soon after going through airport-style, belt removing, x-ray security crap.

Finally, we get to the 86 th floor. There were so many people you couldn't move. I was hoping to see a sign like 'Occupancy by more than 12,938 people is prohibited'.. To add to the fun, one side of the observation deck was closed due to high winds..oh yeah, it was like the top of Everest without the Sherpas. We just spent close to three hours to spend 10 minutes up there. I was relieved it was over. It was the Time Killer of all Time Killers. I could have watched Avatar and had a leisurely meal in that time.

If you want to have a good ESB experience - do the King Kong/Faye Wray thing and climb up the side. So you swat a few planes and risk your life. You can look in all the windows and decide where to enter...Better than an express pass.

Extra Innings?

Need to get away from recent animal-related time killing experiences...Had a new non-animal event to report. We signed up with a large brokerage firm to handle our nest egg (my favorite term) for our retirement. We had a long meeting the other day and reviewed everything you can think of. The financial planner/adviser created a plan for us and sent it today - as planned - as a PDF via the internet. It was a large file..

It was early afternoon and I had the baseball playoff games on as I started my download. It was the first inning of game one (an important benchmark). I went to the link in the email which had all my "stuff".. the full recommendation of what to do with our nest egg. I used our login and PIN info and was asked for my SSN which it rejected (there are many theories why but I can't bear to repeat them)...I had NO access to the file since now I was Locked OUT for making too many mistakes.. I hate that. I'm usually good with this kind of computer crap..This company, like others, have way too many layers of security..

I gave up trying to login and called their tech support line. I got a youngish go-getter type so I felt a sense of relief. Well, short-term relief. I had experience with his type from my former job. He was talking PC-talk and I am a Mac user (shouldn't everyone be?)..I was used to this as I was in the vast minority of Mac users at my old job (maybe 25 Mac users and 20,000 PC users). Young Brad tried all sorts of crap and I was suggesting alternatives. He put me on hold..Here comes the Muzak..

This was the longest on-hold experience I ever had.. I was sure he forgot me OR (could it be?) he was in India, a la Outsourced. I was humming along to the Muzak hoping this recorded call would bring me fame. Lots of Mozart strings stuff. I was making up lyrics to the classical stuff. I was amused and sure I'd never get my info until a bonafide IT propeller-head got on the line. Remember the game? OK, now it's the 5th inning!!! If I had known this was going to take this long I would have peed. If I leave the phone I may miss the tech support. Bladder pain!!

Finally, I got a direct line into tech support super central who did what they always do. Logged me off and created a whole new profile, new PIN, new password, new fingerprints and DNA and walked me through it . Finally success.. Great, it's been over an hour, the game - Tampa/Texas - is in the 6th inning and I have decided to pee sitting down and read my 29-page retirement report.. ahhhhhhhhhh...

A tail of two critters

TAIL is not a typo. It's yet another Time Killer animal blog entry. Just when I felt Larry the boxer had quieted down and the deer have started to get ready for winter, another animal appears on the radar screen.

I was on my way out today when I eye-balled the back yard and saw this hyena-like creature sunning itself on the ramp going into our shed. The shed is a hang out for multiple critters - ground hog & skunk live underneath and there is always a family of mice living in my leaf blower.. I always check before starting up as one year I made a rodent salsa out of a mousekafamily. And, let's not forget the squirrel who entered our INSIDE through the fireplace.

Back to the latest ... My first impression was that this new creature was a fox but it didn't meet all those criteria (as IF I'd know)..The face was pointy but the tail was bare-ish, like a rat. That bothered me. A fox tail would have been nicer. It also didn't have a red hue. I think that perhaps this was a coyote. It got up and walked across the yard and it had a bounce in its step as if to say "screw you, bub...this is MY yard." I then went into the yard - with baseball bat in hand - just in case it attacked.. I saw no evidence of him but I did hear some rustling in the woods.

I was unable to get a picture so I went to the trusty internet (YOU TUBE) and saw some pictures that led me to believe this was a coyote. I've seen them on the news many times since being home. Town officials seem to always be killing them (that ain't good) so I didn't feel too bad holding a baseball bat. I doubt I'd engage in battle.

Meanwhile as the coyote/fox hybrid entered the woods I see my new-found friend in the yard next door - LARRY the Boxer. Old Larry was poised still like a hunting dog (mmmmm, fox?)..I could tell he sensed something but couldn't chase because his owner put up an invisible fence .. These are very popular and stop dogs from straying off the property (I guess it's electrical or audio). The culprit never appeared again but I think Larry saw it. I guess the fence that keeps Larry in place may keep Wil E Coyote off their property as well..

In the clearing stands a Boxer

One of the things I like about living where I do is the peace and quiet. You can go hours without hearing a sound. I swear as part of my Time Killing duties I've seen less than five cars go down our street in a day. When we talk about relocating (which we do) I hate to think about giving up this solitude. I fear things are changing..

I had heard through the grapevine that our elderly neighbor - who hasn't made a peep in 20 years - has taken in her daughter and her 2 children. I heard some evidence of this and wasn't too worried. There's a fair amount of space between our properties. I had met the daughter while checking my mailbox - a highlight in my daily routine. She was very friendly and pre-apologizing for any new noises. I said I hadn't heard anything (yet). Today that changed.

I had to hang around the house because I have the oil burner tech coming to do a pre-winter cleaning. Normally, I'd be out by 11 am doing something but today I am here with the windows open on a very nice day. And so the fun began at 9 am or so. How long can a dog bark before shredding its throat muscles? So far it's been 2.5 hours - NON STOP. The oil burner guy is actually quieter. The dog, a Boxer, is named Larry. Odd name for a dog I think. Then again our family dog was named Charlotte. This dog looks like a show dog....but he does have a head shape like a Pit Bull.. He did trot over to me the other day and I held my ground so I didn't seem like a pansy..(remember the deer story from last week?)..He stopped before he got to me and returned to his owner next door. I was relieved but thought "uh oh, is this going to be the new regime - avoiding Larry?"...So far he's still barking.

The oil burner guy finished and I walked out to his truck to sign stuff. He gave my boiler an A+ as we chatted in the driveway. He then asked "what's with all the barking?"...

Hello Deer

Not too many new time-killing activities to report. I am very used to being around the house more than ever so nothing is surprising or interesting. Today was a little different. I was out for a couple of hours and when I returned and pulled in the driveway I saw a number of deer in our back yard. This is nothing knew. It can be like Wild Kingdom around here at times. Unlike our first house on Long Island, there are critters aplenty around here. Long Island had squirrels and birds. If there ever was a deer we would have called 911.

So, as I got out of the car I walked into the yard. There were 5 of these creatures. It looked like a mother and 4 babies or fawns or whatever the hell they're called. The fawns have spots like in a Disney cartoon or in the movie "The Yearling. Those 4 fled as I entered the yard. I had no intent but they were eating my shrubs. The mother deer, however, held her ground. You know, like a deer stuck in the headlights. This had to be the biggest deer I've seen in the yard. It looked like one of those hunters' decoys. All it needed was a target on its side.

I figured the mother was protecting her clan (is that what you call a pack of deer?)..I walked toward the big mother and she never flinched OR showed a sign of moving. Now I am thinking I have no seniority here. This could be a crazed animal with distemper and I will be filmed being attacked and go viral on You Tube (I had my phone/camera at the ready).. I never got this close before and I am wondering what gives? I kept getting closer and I was getting creeped out. The baby deer were frolicking in the woods. I made a few sudden spastic gestures and this animal still didn't budge. I was about 12 feet away and gave up. As I turned away to go back to the driveway I wondered if I will be blind sided. I made it back OK....The damn deer was still holding its ground. She showed me I guess.

When I got into the house I turned on the TV and it was wall-to-wall coverage of Hurricane Earl. I was flipping channels and one of the more obscure reports was saying that your pets or animals may behave oddly when a storm like this approaches.. Mmmmmmmmm, does that include those white-tailed demons??

Write what you know

I haven't been blogging much as there have been some distractions. I guess I had nothing pressing to report. The main issue was that I finished my screen play. I wrote 140 pages of a comedy/drama loosely based on my real life experiences. It took six months. I worked best in two to three-hour spurts. I never showed a word of this to anyone until this week. I worried that I had created a ball of shit. After all, I am a rookie and never wrote much more than a blog entry or a newspaper feature story. This was new for me but I DID enjoy it. Sure beats mowing the lawn or taking the train to the city.

I was relieved to get some positive feedback on this first draft from a very reliable, talented writer friend. There are some changes. I had trouble with the ending and it took me a few weeks to get it down "on paper"...Here's the wacky part - I dreamed the ending. In that dream was my late father who was very supportive and he actually said (gulp), go with your dream. I had no choice. I followed his advice.

In this screen play, the main character writes a blog. It's titled (brace yourself) Time Killer. Hey, I was in Marketing for 30 years. It's all about cross promotion. Why do you think they ask for your zip code at Radio Shack? It was very easy to come up with Time Killer samples - I have about 130 entries - some good, some not so good. My main character, anonymous, became very successful with his blog. He got a book deal. I have some background in publishing so I had enough BS to get through that scenario. It was some of the other stuff I had trouble with. I would just wing it or rip off the many movies I've watched.. God, I had to write a sex scene. I went very PG-13.. I toyed with going R but wimped out...

So I was comfortable writing "what I know"... working, commuting, being a husband and father, socializing, finances and general time killing. I hope something comes out of this. So far, besides some nice early reviews, I can only say that now after 140 pages, I have to wear reading glasses. Maybe I should write what I can SEE...

Poker Haunt Us

For the past few months I've been involved - well maybe not involved - in an indirect time killing activity. My wife has been playing on-line poker and doing very well. I think the success plus her affinity for games has been a legitimate draw for her. I never play for many reasons. Mainly, I am a shitty player. While in the service I tried to play as a time killing past time and never did well. I think it's an 'attention span' issue. My mind drifts when I should be figuring what cards the others have. We didn't play games as a family when I was growing up. My wife did play. Maybe that's the difference and maybe that's the reason she (and her brother) have amassed a 7-figure amount in make-believe money. I've gotten post-game updates where I've heard about winning pots of thousands and think what IF this was real stuff?

Sometimes she plays (on the computer) while talking to her brother on the phone who is playing at the same table. He's been her mentor and increased her interest and skills. I should thank him for that since it allows me to pursue one of my favorite time killing activities - watching baseball. I think the average time of a baseball game and the average time of a poker game is about equal - 3 hours or so. It's worked out pretty well I think. (The Cardinals are killing the Mets and the Yankees are in a rain delay as I type)..

This week I am alone as my wife is visiting her mother. Her brother is there too so I am sure there is some on-line gambling taking place. I thought of making up a screen name and logging on to secretly play along with them. I scrapped that idea. It's a long way to go for a gag. Plus I remembered a key event I had at a blackjack table at Foxwoods. I hit on a 15 (idiot). I got an 8 and the guy next to me -drunk and huge- had a 13 showing and told his girlfriend. "Jesus, that was MY card and that grey-haired guy took it"...I looked around for a grey-haired guy. Couldn't find one until I found a mirror....

Pickers?

You may think this entry is about guitar playing (something close to my heart) but it's not..It is, however, about this wacky show on the History Channel where these 2 basic guys travel the country with a big van and crawl through people's piles of junk, old cars, rusty bikes, pots, appliances, motor cycles and offer them money. They know a lot about these obscure pieces of junk and figure a way to make a profit after re-selling. It's an interesting show. It's often followed by Pawn Stars - a reality show about some overweight pawn brokers...Interesting but not as much as Pickers. But it is a good Time Killer..

So what does this have to do with anything? Today I had to make a call to a company I left 17 years ago. I worked there 16 years and I get a pension. I am used to dealing with such issues since I am doing the same deal with my most recent company. (A much larger firm)..When you call this larger firm, you give your employee ID number and they have your entire history and life story right in front of them. They print it out and send a copy. It never takes long. I guess that's pretty typical. It's like ordering from Amazon or Land's End. Standard procedure which we are all used to.

So I called this smaller firm, explained what I needed and expected to have an answer within minutes. I did notice the woman sounded like my grandmother which in a weird way was comforting. She asked my last name and when I worked there. I gave that to her and she said, 'Oh gee, that was quite a while ago'. I will have to go into STORAGE.. I think she said that or INVENTORY.. In any case she had to call me back. She had to go into some kind of oversized file store room. So, I am picturing this as one of the two Pickers - crawling around some dusty, cramped room, blowing dust off labels and looking like my loving grandma (nana, actually)..

She called me back 3 hours later and said she found my info..She sounded tuckered out but relieved. I hope they buy a computer and scan all this data..I could just hear her yelling EUREKA!! Ahhh, it was a good pick. Whatta ya want for that nana?..

The UNreal World

It's summer time (and the livin ain't so easy)..sorry..Summer time also equals re-runs on TV. I have to admit, TV does play a big part in the world of Time Killing. One of my indulgences was the daily rerun of the Sopranos at 8 am. I felt ready for the day after watching. I got in the habit and it was automatic until the station (A&E) changed their schedule. They have a zillion crime/cop reality shows. I've never watched a whole hour episode. They may be good. I just didn't kill any time watching.

Plugged into the Sopranos 8 am time slot was the "reality" show, Family Jewels. I stumbled on to that while looking for Tony and Carmella eating cereal in their kitchen. And what did I get? Gene Simmons, the star of Family Jewels and the front man for one of the dullest, inane rock bands, KISS. Yes KISS, not to be confused with Insane Clown Posse. Both groups have very good make up but Kiss has the longest tongues. Gene Simmons has a very long tongue and shows it off as if it's worth seeing.

Simmons and the cast includes his porno actress wife Shannon Tweed and their 2 kids going about their crazy rock n roll life. Here's the hitch. It seems scripted, fake, phony, pre planned, set up, produced and basically uninteresting and unfunny. You have to think about the Osbourne reality show which at least seems somewhat real and unfortunately now off the air. There are many reality shows that actually seem real. The lady with the 8 kids, the many little people shows, kid beauty pageants and the very queasy Hoarders.. ugh..

Was just watching the British Open from Scotland. Tiger Woods was doing ok and so were a bunch of guys I don't know. I'm not much of a golf fan unless there's some great drama. Want some great drama? How about John Daly, the wacky, bigger than life big hitter from Arkansas who had to overcome weight and alcohol problems. He's in the top 10 of this event. Now, he actually had HIS own reality show "Being John Daly". I think 11 people saw this. I was one of them. I'd like to see him win this major. Go down to the 18th hole on Sunday. Be neck and neck with Tiger. He'd be wearing his pink paisley pants and a lime green cap. Drinking a diet Coke and a Marlboro hanging from his mouth. That's Reality. No tongues please!!

Ga Ga me with a spoon

Here's a new Time Killer. I try not to watch the Today Show for lots of reasons but today on Today was one of their wild-ass concerts on the plaza and I stayed tuned until the show began. The show was Lady Ga Ga. It took forever to get started. I know she has some hits and I know she's popular, however, I couldn't identify her in a police line up if you paid me. Her songs, while very theatrical, seem commercially catchy. Reminds me of Madonna before she ran out of gas. Strike a pose!!!

So here's my point..I watched her do a few songs and it was somewhat entertaining. There were 20,000 people jammed into this 3-block plaza. Lots of preparation and special effects..I switched channels for a minute and when I returned the show was in full swing - in the rain!! Whoa and Lady G was forging ahead rolling on the stage floor pelted by water. I am now distracted because I think---this is good, we really NEED the rain. My yard looks like the surface of the moon. The crowd, now sporting umbrellas, was staying put. I then looked out my window and saw clear skies which is normal as NYC is 50 miles away, however, when the camera went to a wider shot I saw that this "rain" was a special effect. Giant shower heads soaking the stage, the performers, the equipment and the crowd. Fake out..

The inane Today show host then said they'd be back after Lady Ga Ga had time to 'blow dry her hair'..Does a woman who runs around almost naked with a gyroscope for a hat and tennis-ball glasses really give a shit what her hair looks like?? I turned off the TV and watched the dust devils swirl in the yard.

Global frying

I just realized it's not a good day when the temperature exceeds the increase in the Dow. The button on my computer (which shows both in the same screen) has the air temp at 101 and the Dow is down 15. I hate this button. I can't see the temp now without getting queasy about the DJIA. How sick I am of following this economic crap. I think it's time to cash in and stuff the money under a couch cushion..

Unrelated but equally stupid? The Queen of England is being paraded around NYC today and they say it's 103. This is a woman from the UK where the temperature probably averages 72 in July. She is currently addressing the UN and I swear it's like a Monty Python skit. Looks like Michael Palin dressed up in my grandmother's winter clothes. And little did she know she'd be walking across ground where her shoe heels would be sinking into the asphalt. You can imagine her mumbling - "Get me the F outta here Jeeves...and I mean NOW".... Does she fly commercial I wonder? Big story this morning is the royal family is running out of money. They can't fix the roof on Buckingham Palace --- Maybe we need a fund raiser - QueenAid.. We can throw a few bucks to Fergie too...

Ahh, nuts

As I've mentioned I am on a softball team - have been for some 20 years. However, I don't play much. Actually, not at all. So I'm a coach or a bench jockey or whatever. The team, in first place, is manned by mostly young, athletic guys. Most of us original members are riding the pine (or aluminum). It's a minor time killer but nonetheless a nice way to kill an hour or two. This includes a cold beer in the parking lot afterwards - win or lose.

Last night, while on the bench with a few other elders, our pitcher tossed one at the plate. The batter didn't swing and it took a funky bounce and hit the umpire right in the jewels. He immediately turned around and grabbed the back stop's chain-link fence and moaned in pain. Sad, right? NOT to me. As this poor guy - who I've known for years - was cringing with pain and embarrassment I was laughing. Like really laughing. He flashed me a look. I guess I was the only one who found it funny.. I DID see others muffling their smirks. At the inning break, I privately apologized to the ump. He was gracious - or maybe happy to be breathing. I used the President Clinton line, "I feel your pain"... Corny, but I was desperate.

So, I wondered, why am I the only one to laugh? I don't know.. DNA? I remember my mother telling me a story (one of many) about a similar event in her life. She was in a hospital lobby - having one of her babies - when a NUN who was walking down the lobby's stairs tripped and fell down the entire flight. My mother told me how bad she felt first for the nun and second for laughing as she landed at the bottom. And, she said, she couldn't STOP laughing and had to leave the area. The story ran through my mind as I continued cackling at the poor ump. I bet my mom would have laughed... She liked baseball..