Pickers?

You may think this entry is about guitar playing (something close to my heart) but it's not..It is, however, about this wacky show on the History Channel where these 2 basic guys travel the country with a big van and crawl through people's piles of junk, old cars, rusty bikes, pots, appliances, motor cycles and offer them money. They know a lot about these obscure pieces of junk and figure a way to make a profit after re-selling. It's an interesting show. It's often followed by Pawn Stars - a reality show about some overweight pawn brokers...Interesting but not as much as Pickers. But it is a good Time Killer..

So what does this have to do with anything? Today I had to make a call to a company I left 17 years ago. I worked there 16 years and I get a pension. I am used to dealing with such issues since I am doing the same deal with my most recent company. (A much larger firm)..When you call this larger firm, you give your employee ID number and they have your entire history and life story right in front of them. They print it out and send a copy. It never takes long. I guess that's pretty typical. It's like ordering from Amazon or Land's End. Standard procedure which we are all used to.

So I called this smaller firm, explained what I needed and expected to have an answer within minutes. I did notice the woman sounded like my grandmother which in a weird way was comforting. She asked my last name and when I worked there. I gave that to her and she said, 'Oh gee, that was quite a while ago'. I will have to go into STORAGE.. I think she said that or INVENTORY.. In any case she had to call me back. She had to go into some kind of oversized file store room. So, I am picturing this as one of the two Pickers - crawling around some dusty, cramped room, blowing dust off labels and looking like my loving grandma (nana, actually)..

She called me back 3 hours later and said she found my info..She sounded tuckered out but relieved. I hope they buy a computer and scan all this data..I could just hear her yelling EUREKA!! Ahhh, it was a good pick. Whatta ya want for that nana?..

The UNreal World

It's summer time (and the livin ain't so easy)..sorry..Summer time also equals re-runs on TV. I have to admit, TV does play a big part in the world of Time Killing. One of my indulgences was the daily rerun of the Sopranos at 8 am. I felt ready for the day after watching. I got in the habit and it was automatic until the station (A&E) changed their schedule. They have a zillion crime/cop reality shows. I've never watched a whole hour episode. They may be good. I just didn't kill any time watching.

Plugged into the Sopranos 8 am time slot was the "reality" show, Family Jewels. I stumbled on to that while looking for Tony and Carmella eating cereal in their kitchen. And what did I get? Gene Simmons, the star of Family Jewels and the front man for one of the dullest, inane rock bands, KISS. Yes KISS, not to be confused with Insane Clown Posse. Both groups have very good make up but Kiss has the longest tongues. Gene Simmons has a very long tongue and shows it off as if it's worth seeing.

Simmons and the cast includes his porno actress wife Shannon Tweed and their 2 kids going about their crazy rock n roll life. Here's the hitch. It seems scripted, fake, phony, pre planned, set up, produced and basically uninteresting and unfunny. You have to think about the Osbourne reality show which at least seems somewhat real and unfortunately now off the air. There are many reality shows that actually seem real. The lady with the 8 kids, the many little people shows, kid beauty pageants and the very queasy Hoarders.. ugh..

Was just watching the British Open from Scotland. Tiger Woods was doing ok and so were a bunch of guys I don't know. I'm not much of a golf fan unless there's some great drama. Want some great drama? How about John Daly, the wacky, bigger than life big hitter from Arkansas who had to overcome weight and alcohol problems. He's in the top 10 of this event. Now, he actually had HIS own reality show "Being John Daly". I think 11 people saw this. I was one of them. I'd like to see him win this major. Go down to the 18th hole on Sunday. Be neck and neck with Tiger. He'd be wearing his pink paisley pants and a lime green cap. Drinking a diet Coke and a Marlboro hanging from his mouth. That's Reality. No tongues please!!

Ga Ga me with a spoon

Here's a new Time Killer. I try not to watch the Today Show for lots of reasons but today on Today was one of their wild-ass concerts on the plaza and I stayed tuned until the show began. The show was Lady Ga Ga. It took forever to get started. I know she has some hits and I know she's popular, however, I couldn't identify her in a police line up if you paid me. Her songs, while very theatrical, seem commercially catchy. Reminds me of Madonna before she ran out of gas. Strike a pose!!!

So here's my point..I watched her do a few songs and it was somewhat entertaining. There were 20,000 people jammed into this 3-block plaza. Lots of preparation and special effects..I switched channels for a minute and when I returned the show was in full swing - in the rain!! Whoa and Lady G was forging ahead rolling on the stage floor pelted by water. I am now distracted because I think---this is good, we really NEED the rain. My yard looks like the surface of the moon. The crowd, now sporting umbrellas, was staying put. I then looked out my window and saw clear skies which is normal as NYC is 50 miles away, however, when the camera went to a wider shot I saw that this "rain" was a special effect. Giant shower heads soaking the stage, the performers, the equipment and the crowd. Fake out..

The inane Today show host then said they'd be back after Lady Ga Ga had time to 'blow dry her hair'..Does a woman who runs around almost naked with a gyroscope for a hat and tennis-ball glasses really give a shit what her hair looks like?? I turned off the TV and watched the dust devils swirl in the yard.

Global frying

I just realized it's not a good day when the temperature exceeds the increase in the Dow. The button on my computer (which shows both in the same screen) has the air temp at 101 and the Dow is down 15. I hate this button. I can't see the temp now without getting queasy about the DJIA. How sick I am of following this economic crap. I think it's time to cash in and stuff the money under a couch cushion..

Unrelated but equally stupid? The Queen of England is being paraded around NYC today and they say it's 103. This is a woman from the UK where the temperature probably averages 72 in July. She is currently addressing the UN and I swear it's like a Monty Python skit. Looks like Michael Palin dressed up in my grandmother's winter clothes. And little did she know she'd be walking across ground where her shoe heels would be sinking into the asphalt. You can imagine her mumbling - "Get me the F outta here Jeeves...and I mean NOW".... Does she fly commercial I wonder? Big story this morning is the royal family is running out of money. They can't fix the roof on Buckingham Palace --- Maybe we need a fund raiser - QueenAid.. We can throw a few bucks to Fergie too...

Ahh, nuts

As I've mentioned I am on a softball team - have been for some 20 years. However, I don't play much. Actually, not at all. So I'm a coach or a bench jockey or whatever. The team, in first place, is manned by mostly young, athletic guys. Most of us original members are riding the pine (or aluminum). It's a minor time killer but nonetheless a nice way to kill an hour or two. This includes a cold beer in the parking lot afterwards - win or lose.

Last night, while on the bench with a few other elders, our pitcher tossed one at the plate. The batter didn't swing and it took a funky bounce and hit the umpire right in the jewels. He immediately turned around and grabbed the back stop's chain-link fence and moaned in pain. Sad, right? NOT to me. As this poor guy - who I've known for years - was cringing with pain and embarrassment I was laughing. Like really laughing. He flashed me a look. I guess I was the only one who found it funny.. I DID see others muffling their smirks. At the inning break, I privately apologized to the ump. He was gracious - or maybe happy to be breathing. I used the President Clinton line, "I feel your pain"... Corny, but I was desperate.

So, I wondered, why am I the only one to laugh? I don't know.. DNA? I remember my mother telling me a story (one of many) about a similar event in her life. She was in a hospital lobby - having one of her babies - when a NUN who was walking down the lobby's stairs tripped and fell down the entire flight. My mother told me how bad she felt first for the nun and second for laughing as she landed at the bottom. And, she said, she couldn't STOP laughing and had to leave the area. The story ran through my mind as I continued cackling at the poor ump. I bet my mom would have laughed... She liked baseball..

Goodbye 4 o'clock Charlie!!

Once again my Time Killing is surrounded by my home being a job site. This time it's a team of landscaper/stonewall builders. We are having our walkway, patio and shed area fixed up. It's hot as hell and the men are working like dogs..I brought them some nice ice water and solo cups - a treat.

They started their project with our shed which is now edged with some very nice stone work - far beyond what I thought we were getting. I've left them alone since I can be of no help except being a water boy. I do peek out the window now and then (every 8 minutes) to see the progress. I did see something interesting as they started to whack the pieces of stone and jam them into place. While I was watching I saw our resident chunky rodent (ground hog/hedgehog) poke his head from underneath the shed. THIS is his home for years. Years ago we named him 4 o' clock Charlie since that was about the time (pm) he'd enter the grassy area of our yard to forage for food. I guess he wasn't sure if he was nocturnal.

At this sighting, 4 o'clock scampered into the woods. I don't think the workers noticed. OR maybe they're so jaded they just ignored it. I'm not going to ask. Hey, speaking of scampering into the woods, not one of these guys have used our bathroom. They've been here 7 hours so far. Heads up 4 o'clock .

Pants on the ground

I was feeling I had hit almost all Time Killing issues this past year so there have been fewer postings. I read back on them and felt like I'd be in re-runs if I wasn't careful. Today, however, I had a little gem.

I had a dental cleaning appointment which went as expected. Lots of scraping and flossing and chatting. The hygienist is a very nice girl (she seems to be in her 20s but I could be wrong).. She's good with my aging mouth and she talks a lot. I rarely have a chance to answer with a mouth full of Allen wrenches and cotton. I try to recall my responses and speed talk them as she's in between processes. She's very interested in movies and was asking me if I saw Shutter Island (or is it Shudder?). I said no and told her I'd rent it so next time we can talk about it. She said good since she'd like the input of a professional!!! Yikes, a professional? I forgot I had mentioned I was doing some writing. She remembered that and I did give her an update on my top secret screenplay project. I guess that enhanced my status as a pro? Ah, what the hell. I felt good about that. No cavities and I have an identity at the dentist's office.

So as I said my goodbyes and exited the office I remembered I had loosened my belt before I got in the exam chair. No important reason - just more comfortable. I have to cinch my belt tight to keep my pants up. It's idiotic but part of my life. So as I walked out I could feel the looseness but ignored it thinking nobody will notice my saggy ass. I got to my car which was up too close against the neighboring Benz next to me. I had to go sideways to my door and I noticed a huge yellow jacket wasp in my rear wheel well area. I used my previously-learned tactics and ignored that damn thing. Not good. He flew right at my face and I started swatting like a mental patient. I slid my way from between the 2 cars to the small parking lot and I was in that wasp's cross hairs. I was fixed on not getting stung and in that moment my loosened pants slid to my knees..Oh shit.

As I shuffled back to the shelter of the 2 cars, a guy about my age had just pulled up and exited his car. I reached for my pants but I was limited with my zippy little dental packet in hand. Screw it. I dropped it and grabbed my pants and the guy asks me if everything is OK. I said yeah, oh yeah, just an aggressive wasp. We then had the oddest 2-minute conversation about wasps on his roof and his feelings about dental cleanings. The whole time I was holding my pants up by my belt hidden by a Silver E-class Benz. My dental packet was on the ground and the wasp continued hoovering toward the back of my car..

A good Time Killer blog entry I thought... Afterall, I AM a professional!!!!