Bird Brain

It has been a while since I commented here.. I am still Killing Time in the most entertaining and productive ways. My screenplay has been complete and out in the market place for about 4 months. Writing was more familiar to me than selling. It's all new to me and I am tracking the screenwriting contests I've entered and the industry magazines and newsletters which promote the product. I guess the trick is getting somebody to read it and love it - how could they not?

I am now working on a second project. It's another screenplay and I figured I better keep busy before I forget how to use my screenwriting software. The outline is almost done. It's another dramedy. I like that term.. I had dedicated today to really get a good head start on this. It's almost April. It's still winterish. The snow has melted and I'm almost 60. And, I am distracted!!!

For the past few years in the spring we have had an idiotic robin flying into our kitchen window over and over and over and over and over. The dumb ass thinks its reflection is another robin and it is either attacking OR trying to mate. There are many explanations on the internet. Internet has everything doesn't it? I've got a fake owl out there which I thought would work with its scary spinning head. I guess not. I've tried a number of cures and I thought about buying a BB gun. (talk about a mid-life crisis).. I doubt I could do that. My vision blows and I probably would crack our window after missing the bird. Years ago my 85 year old neighbor shot a raccoon who was molesting his garbage cans. I was very impressed and there have been no raccoons in this neighborhood for years. Could I follow in his footsteps?

The internet provided a less violent solution which seems to work (so far)...I smeared the target window with ammonia...Smelly, icky ammonia is on the window which apparently repels the villain.. So I have a messy window but no bird crashing and bird shit to deal with. I'm happy with that solution. Speaking of solutions like raccoon murder, fake owls, etc., I remember my dad had a bird problem in our family home on Long Island. They were nesting in the gutters and as is family tradition we hate getting on ladders. I was elected to get on the roof and apply my dad's anti-bird solution. It was a product called "Bird Tanglefoot"... It was a gooey substance which goofed up the birds' wings and feet after they were exposed. When I was directed to check the area a week later I found no birds (no dead birds) so perhaps they got the message..

So now I can continue with that new screenplay - "The Nest Egg"...

Winter 2011

It's been a few months since I last had an entry.. I think it was because there is nothing new in the world of Time Killing..This winter has just sucked. Winters seem to suck more as you get older. When it snowed years ago it was a bizarre highlight as schools closed and the world was your playground. The challenge now is to get to the end of the driveway without breaking your elbow..I found myself walking like Arte Johnson's old man character on TV's Laugh In (there's an obscure reference)..

I justify staying home now because gas is heading for $5/gallon. Got a home heating oil delivery today...That is close to $4/gallon. I guess the instability in the Middle East is a major factor. I can remember while stationed in that part of the world I could fill up the gas tank in my Datsun rental car for under $2 - for the WHOLE tank.. I'm pretty sure that's accurate..Memories of those times in Bahrain have come to the forefront. Last year my wife and mother in law took a trip back there and had a great time..It always seemed to me like a peaceful, serene culture so this year's headlines were surprising (to me) but I guess these were underlying issues that had to surface..

Trying to get a new screen play started as my current script is getting some attention but I am learning this is a sluggish process. And we are close to putting our house up for sale and ready to head south...That should eat up some time! Change is good as somebody in this family has stated.. I agree but lifting furniture blows...

TV or not TV

The winter is here and the chance for cabin fever grows for most.. Well, not so much for me as I hope to have enough writing projects to kill time productively. So far it's slow and the artificial holiday happiness is upon us. The lady who sold me stamps this morning treated me like I was her long-lost son. It just felt fake..It evened out as I went to the local A&P and the cashier was harsh and grumpy. At least it was honest but I think I felt better buying from the stamp lady.

So what I've tried to do is avoid the TV during these idle times. I don't watch TV news for many reasons I've already mentioned in prior posts - it's mainly the fake laughter usually betwixt the weather man/woman and sportscasters..Just watch any part of the Today show when they're out on the Plaza. The semi-newsy shows - talk shows - like the View are very difficult because they all talk at the same time UNLESS Baba Wawa is on the panel. She's like the principal monitoring the teacher. She has a lot of pull as she's been doing this since the invention of broadcasting and the others fear her. I think they'd even admit that..

There are lots of other talk shows, food shows, reality shows & re-runs.. I have to admit I like some of the old sitcoms - MASH, All in the Family, Raymond, Seinfeld. There are some new shows I like (not many).. I think the Office is great and makes me think of my 30 years in that wacky environment. Modern Family is pretty damn good too. I've been watching some old movies and remembering my parent's comments about those 40s era Busbey Berkely flicks..

There is one mystery show for me. 30 Rock is very popular and I must be one of the few people who don't like it.. There are many reasons but I am always surprised as I do try and watch it now and then. I think I am fairly hip (maybe NOT), but I just don't get that damn show.. Tracey Morgan is funny??? Tina Fey is funny?? Maybe she was funny on SNL. I like Alec Baldwin. His father was my 10th grade history teacher and at that time he (Mr Baldwin) looked a lot like Alec does now. Most people I know like this show so perhaps it IS me. I find the show is like an inside joke that I don't get. I don't like that feeling. Oh wait --- Operation Petticoat is on Turner Classic Movies. Gotta go..

Go Chiefs?

In the spirit of time killing, I have to disclose my options for today. I had some writing to do. I have the Beatles re-mastered complete box set (on loan) to listen to OR copy onto my HD. I can go to the gym and work off the 43 cookies I've eaten the last 3 days. I can do a couple of loads of laundry which requires almost no energy. Wait, the TV is on but as usual there's nothing watchable or interesting so I flip around. Cable now has everything including local sports channels. I've watched our local high school's football games which wasn't too bad.

I stopped on this local channel today to find MY high school alma mater - Massapequa - in a girl's volleyball contest with arch-rival (their words, not mine) Lindenhurst. I figured I'd watch for 3 minutes and turn off the TV and head for something more entertaining...Well, I stayed with it watching these kids diving and smashing all over the place. I can barely remember ever playing this sport but I do know I screwed up a finger playing which put a crimp in my guitar playing for months.

The venue was CW Post college and there was a substantial crowd watching. Forty years ago I attended a bunch of our football games which had a large crowd. I had a friend who played on the team and also had another friend who was in the band - we rooted for both - especially the band when they spelled out tributes. There wasn't enough members so they usually just spelled out initials...Yeah, Yeah - RJL Raymond J Lockhart!

This volleyball crowd was intense, loud and large. Lots of Indian headdresses and war painted teen-age boys..Did I mention they were the chiefs? I guess there's been no protests. It's not like they were doing the Atlanta Braves' Tomahawk chop. But wait, they do seem to be doing war chants as Massapequa tied the 2nd game...Oy, they lost..

Time to go to the gym ... I need to get back by 2 pm as I see there's a field hockey playoff versus the Carl Place Frogs!!! (Frogs?? I gotta see that sticky-tongue crowd)

Rollover Beethoven

Somebody once threw a cliche at me about how retirement is a lot of work. I wasn't sure what that meant. I figured retirement was like what you see on TV commercials. A grey-haired couple walking on the beach with their dog while wearing brightly-colored sweaters. (I've yet to do that)..I think what they may have meant by "a lot of work" is the administration of getting yourself situated regarding pensions, savings, social security and health insurance. It seems to be that more paperwork is required here than in the pre-retirement phase of life.

I've never had more folders and paperwork on my desk than I do now. It's a big part of Time Killing. One form seems to lead to another. And, GOD, don't forget your damn PIN or PINS. We have a Rolodex with all our PINS. Ten-years ago I should have established ONE damn PIN and used it for everything.. Well, I did try that but as time went on Pin requirements got stricter -- at least 5 letters, 2 numbers and not your birthday or SSN. Speaking of social security numbers --- that damn number is used for everything..I have 5 of the same number in mine. It often gets a comment - "nice poker hand there"..

We recently rolled over my old 401k into an IRA.. How's that for trendy? I've done that before and it was very simple. This time was different. I saw an ad in the Sunday NY Times (full page) promoting how easy it is to do this rollover. (I could have had the Dog Whisperer do this)..There were some complications (not worth mentioning) which led to multiple meetings, conference calls and mailings. Lucky for us we did have a terrific contact who helped with every step. We are getting near the completion of this..After all, it is our life savings we had to put in a safer haven..It's interesting to see how customer focused one can be when dealing with moolah and potential commissions..I wanted to ask our rep. what kind of piece of the cheese she gets.. I'd never do that even though SHE has all our info..

"Was Beauty Who Killed The Beast"

Had a tourist outing with friends this past weekend.. Lots of sightseeing, walking, subwaying and eating. All of it fun and entertaining. Well, almost all of it was fun. When I was a school kid on Long Island we took a few trips into the city to museums and the grand daddy of all attractions - The Empire State Building (ESB)..I can remember shooting up quickly with classmates in a very large elevator to the gift shop on the 86th floor..I can also remember looking over the side and thinking that heights wasn't my thing but it was fun. I bought a ESB thermometer which was on my dresser for years.

So, fast forward to our weekend outing which had the ESB on the agenda. I had my doubts and almost blew it off but I didn't want to be a KillJoy (is that a word?)...What a poorly run side show. There didn't seem to be any restrictions as to how many people they can jam into the endless lobby levels..After the first hour of being in an over-crowded line I thought we were close - wrong..During this time and into the second hour we were victimized by hype meister sales people trying to sell us "express" tickets to go right to the top. Hey, only $47 a piece...These official sales people were at almost every turn. Many desperate types took advantage and seem to go to the next lobby of sardine tourists..

OK, so now it's too late to back out and go against the flow back to the street. And, we paid our $20 a piece and did the Disney World line shuffle for another hour getting us closer to the elevators - or something that looked like elevators giving us hope. Strangely the workers/ushers were all dressed in old-style uniforms including Ralph Kramden caps and brass button maroon blazers. We were looking at anything to amuse ourselves as we followed the velvet ropes to the next abyss. At each turn there was always hope.

At last - elevators. OK, here we go. Pack 'em in. Don't move your arms. Say something funny as your mood is 'elevated'. Watch the digital floor number read out. Hold it - we are getting off at floor 80? What the hell? Yup, get back in line you Lemmings. There is another elevator to take you to 86. That took some time. Back to the mysterious snaking line and velvet ropes. Oh look, some of those express pass people are right with us. There's $47 down the drain. Oh and don't let me forget that they took EVERYONE's picture at one of their choke points. That was soon after going through airport-style, belt removing, x-ray security crap.

Finally, we get to the 86 th floor. There were so many people you couldn't move. I was hoping to see a sign like 'Occupancy by more than 12,938 people is prohibited'.. To add to the fun, one side of the observation deck was closed due to high winds..oh yeah, it was like the top of Everest without the Sherpas. We just spent close to three hours to spend 10 minutes up there. I was relieved it was over. It was the Time Killer of all Time Killers. I could have watched Avatar and had a leisurely meal in that time.

If you want to have a good ESB experience - do the King Kong/Faye Wray thing and climb up the side. So you swat a few planes and risk your life. You can look in all the windows and decide where to enter...Better than an express pass.

Extra Innings?

Need to get away from recent animal-related time killing experiences...Had a new non-animal event to report. We signed up with a large brokerage firm to handle our nest egg (my favorite term) for our retirement. We had a long meeting the other day and reviewed everything you can think of. The financial planner/adviser created a plan for us and sent it today - as planned - as a PDF via the internet. It was a large file..

It was early afternoon and I had the baseball playoff games on as I started my download. It was the first inning of game one (an important benchmark). I went to the link in the email which had all my "stuff".. the full recommendation of what to do with our nest egg. I used our login and PIN info and was asked for my SSN which it rejected (there are many theories why but I can't bear to repeat them)...I had NO access to the file since now I was Locked OUT for making too many mistakes.. I hate that. I'm usually good with this kind of computer crap..This company, like others, have way too many layers of security..

I gave up trying to login and called their tech support line. I got a youngish go-getter type so I felt a sense of relief. Well, short-term relief. I had experience with his type from my former job. He was talking PC-talk and I am a Mac user (shouldn't everyone be?)..I was used to this as I was in the vast minority of Mac users at my old job (maybe 25 Mac users and 20,000 PC users). Young Brad tried all sorts of crap and I was suggesting alternatives. He put me on hold..Here comes the Muzak..

This was the longest on-hold experience I ever had.. I was sure he forgot me OR (could it be?) he was in India, a la Outsourced. I was humming along to the Muzak hoping this recorded call would bring me fame. Lots of Mozart strings stuff. I was making up lyrics to the classical stuff. I was amused and sure I'd never get my info until a bonafide IT propeller-head got on the line. Remember the game? OK, now it's the 5th inning!!! If I had known this was going to take this long I would have peed. If I leave the phone I may miss the tech support. Bladder pain!!

Finally, I got a direct line into tech support super central who did what they always do. Logged me off and created a whole new profile, new PIN, new password, new fingerprints and DNA and walked me through it . Finally success.. Great, it's been over an hour, the game - Tampa/Texas - is in the 6th inning and I have decided to pee sitting down and read my 29-page retirement report.. ahhhhhhhhhh...